The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
