I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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