forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
