So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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