Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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