Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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