i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
