Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
3 2 1 whiskey
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
