Need sex. Gaining weight.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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