I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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