You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
