She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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