I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
