Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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