Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
