I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
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