I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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