What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
