Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
