Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
