I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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