He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
