textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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