Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
