I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
