Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I FOUND THE LEGS
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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