Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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