were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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