I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
