he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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