WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
