I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
