So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
