just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
