If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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