i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
