i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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