your parents love me but you hate me
I just saw a hot homeless man
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
