i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
