I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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