I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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