Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
