Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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