Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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