And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
