her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
