After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
