Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
