I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
