On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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